Call from students Mom

Have you every gotten a call from a students and almost get terrified? Well especially when you have a few miss calls and a voice mail… your heart start pounding, as you open it… It starts like this…

Hey miss, I just wanted to know what happened at school today. My six year old daughter comes home and tells me a 7 year old wants to kill her. And did you do something about it? Oh man… I’d barely that day told my students, they shouldn’t tattle tale as much and now this. So honestly I had no idea!! I apologized and told her I’d find out next day what happened… They had been acting out and movie and that’s what happened. They apologized to the class but now I had to call her. Hard to deal with those kind of things.

Words hurt

Do you realize what you say hurts? Everyone around me. I feel. Why is everything so funny?

To my mother in law. You know what? I’m nice to your son, I make him feel loved. Stop being overprotective. He’s fine. We invited you on a vacation, why can you boss around and make all the decisions? I’m not okay with that. I know, we’ll make mistakes but we’ll learn.

Why do you think I’m not capable of doing things? Who am I too you? Why do you keep secrets? Why do you so badly defend everything?

I ask my husband to go visit you guys, but he doesn’t want too. It’s not my fault. Be nicer…

Every time I say something, why don’t you ask or every say something about it? You once told me you stayed quiet when you didn’t like something I said. Well seems like you don’t like anything then. I know I’ll be happy around you, but that’s because every time I wanna be honest. You don’t let me and say it’s better this way. Very well…

Fears inside me (Sunday morning)

(Before service) -Don’t be late -Don’t fall -Are my clothes okay? -Should’ve put something else on? -My makeup, is it okay? -Go inside. -You have to go say hi. (While service) -Did I say hi the right way? -Was I mean? -Did I talk to much? -Should’ve said something different? -What will they think now? -Sing (which terrifies me) -Don’t sing to loud -Sing a bit louder -Are you singing correctly? -Sit straight. -It’s hot but don’t wanna take my jacket off. -What if they’ll see I have a stomach. -Why don’t you sit calm? -Why do you continue to smile or not smile? (After service) -What if people won’t say say? -What if they do? -Did I say something wrong? -Was I standing correctly? -Can they see I’m terrified? -When they call me pretty should I say it back? -Do I smile awkwardly? -Why can’t I stop this? -Another person is coming. -Why do I always agree to everything? -Did I talk to much again? -Was it too much about me? -Should’ve said something else yet. -Stop being like this… And once I get to the vehicle I’m able to breath….

This and about a 100 more fears pass through my mind in only two hours. I feel how I stand, how I move and I have fears I can’t explain or tell a person. Do others feel the same thing?

Sunday morning…

Sitting here before church starts. My husband is practicing for worship. But I stopped singing and practicing. It’s to hard.

Every Sunday I was terrified. It started Saturday evening already… but when I got to church and had to sing. I couldn’t. In a years I’ve had at least 5 panic attack’s. Everything goes blank. My body doesn’t respond. I can’t speak and eventually I’m able to run out and cry. It’s not fun.

That’s not it though. I’m very extroverted. So people think. I’m sure they think I’m one of the easier people to talk too. But what they don’t realize what goes on in my head.

Please stop

Why do you have to start crying when you mess up? Why can’t you tell me you are sorry!?! Every time we talk about our trip you get upset. You try to convince me how you are right! You tell me 5 or more different stories and yet you try to convince me all of them are true!?!? How can you explain you liked me and truly were sad that you lost me? And you had feelings for someone else and tried to get over it? Or you did it because your parents didn’t let you get close to me? Or it was because you knew we wouldn’t see eachother after this anymore? I don’t get it. I wanna cry but I’m getting to tired. I don’t want you to try to explain how you are right. I want you to apologize for lying to me. For not being honest! Why can’t you tell me, I’m sorry I messed up!?!? I shouldn’t have hurt you like this. I don’t know what I was thinking. You think I don’t care how you feel?? I do! But do you know how I feel?? I feel like you can’t be honest with me. Like you have to hide yourself. Put yourself in my shoes for a moment. Think about it! Don’t blame the things you did on me.

Job decision made

First of all, I never thought anyone would follow me. Thank you so much. I started this, so I could start writing. And most to see myself better! So thanks for the follows! Means a lot to me!

So finally made my decision! Few days ago I posted and said I wasn’t sure what to do and if I should quit my job. It’s a job I love.

Yesterday we were invited by this couple from Texas. They are both in their 70s. We started talking about work and so forth. She then started telling me that her and her husband both had very busy lives but that one day she took the decision to help him and quit her job. It had been the best thing she’d done.

Lately I’m so stressed that I couldn’t sleep (reason for starting writing), I got sick, have no time and huge headaches. But I’m so terrified of what they’ll say, I hadn’t dared to tell them I’d quit. Each time I wanted too, they were so nice and I just couldn’t. I tried doing it but then I didn’t want to. But finally I feel this peace.

I took the decision to quit! I’ll do many other things I’ve been wanting to do. Make crafts videos, play guitar, make food, cook healthy, exercise! I’m so happy! I feel so good! Tomorrow I’ll tell the principal I’m just finishing this year. I’m nervous but peaceful about it. I know I’ll be terrified telling her or even starting the conversation. But I have to do it now, before I can’t.

Wish me luck, pray for me.

I long for you!

Baby, how do you not realize how lonely I am? Yes, you hurt me! Yes, I feel like crying! Yes, I want you! I’m down. So please show me you care. Hug me, kiss me. Show me you need and want me. Don’t stay silent after you say I’m sorry. I’m hurt and it would be so great if you showed me that you care! Show me what you feel, please don’t stay quiet and leave me like this. Hours of not sleeping. Please grab me. Please tell me how much you love me. Why do you leave me so alone? Hug me. Kiss me. I long for you!!! Listen to my heart scream for yours! Yes, you hurt me. Yes, I feel bad. So please why do you just lay there after saying sorry!?!? Why don’t you put your arm around me and tell me how much you care? Why don’t you tell me what I need to hear? You know I long for you! You know I’m sad!! I feel so bad every time I tell you I long for you. It makes me feel horrible having to tell you, that I want you to long for me. Everyone all my life has told me how great I look, how they wanted me, but I wanted nothing to do with it. Now I found someone I love and wanna share everything with, why don’t you? I long for you to take me, to embarrass me. You do tell me often that you want me, that you think I look good. Why don’t you prove it to me? It breaks me each time I have to tell you, that I want to be desired, hugged, kissed or loved. But yet after hurting me, you expect me to show you how much I care. And I’m here crying for you to show me you care…