It’s late and you’re barely asleep. Yes we did fight again. But I don’t get it. First you don’t even let me express myself and then later you wanted me to understand something else. If you want me to understand something else, then please say what you mean. Because now I just feel horrible and feel like I should hug you, but I can’t. It’s not fair.

Somehow now after I finally told them I’d quit, it’s hard. Was it right? I don’t know. Will I be okay? I’m tired being around people so I think this is the best. What’s hard for you?

I don’t get it. Why am I so scared to tell you how I feel? Your hugging me, while almost sleeping. Why don’t I just turn around and tell you how much you mean to me? I don’t know what I’d do without you. You mean the world to me. I don’t know where and what I’d do without you. You’re everything I always wanted and prayed for. You’re here and I love you with all my heart. Yet I don’t know how to express it. Your a husband so many would want and I don’t know how to appreciate it. Thanking for being here and loving me. I wish I’d know how to tell or show you how much you mean to me…

So i wanna start with saying, I really try. A year ago when we had a fight you told me you didn’t respond to me when I say something because you don’t like what I said. Is everything bad what I say? Talking about my mom or nephew, how does it affect you? Please explain. Oh and when I try to ask you, you say one doesn’t talk about personal stuff because we are fine the way we are. You tell me you love me very much, but your actions are different. I can’t ask you though because it’s wrong. Only thing is, I’m supposed to feel how much you care. I don’t. I try my best to get along, to build a friendship but something I’m doing is wrong. You say your actions are okay because you are melancholic. I’m Sanguine. So simply I’m not suppose to take it serious? I’m so nice. Please help me. Anything I say about my husband I shouldn’t, because poor him… Did you treat him so nicely? I was the one helping him. He couldn’t speak to you. You were right he was wrong. He was terrified like a scared puppy. I helped him build confidence but yet I’m so mean… Why?!?!

Have you every gotten a call from a students and almost get terrified? Well especially when you have a few miss calls and a voice mail… your heart start pounding, as you open it… It starts like this…

Hey miss, I just wanted to know what happened at school today. My six year old daughter comes home and tells me a 7 year old wants to kill her. And did you do something about it? Oh man… I’d barely that day told my students, they shouldn’t tattle tale as much and now this. So honestly I had no idea!! I apologized and told her I’d find out next day what happened… They had been acting out and movie and that’s what happened. They apologized to the class but now I had to call her. Hard to deal with those kind of things.

Do you realize what you say hurts? Everyone around me. I feel. Why is everything so funny?

To my mother in law. You know what? I’m nice to your son, I make him feel loved. Stop being overprotective. He’s fine. We invited you on a vacation, why can you boss around and make all the decisions? I’m not okay with that. I know, we’ll make mistakes but we’ll learn.

Why do you think I’m not capable of doing things? Who am I too you? Why do you keep secrets? Why do you so badly defend everything?

I ask my husband to go visit you guys, but he doesn’t want too. It’s not my fault. Be nicer…

Every time I say something, why don’t you ask or every say something about it? You once told me you stayed quiet when you didn’t like something I said. Well seems like you don’t like anything then. I know I’ll be happy around you, but that’s because every time I wanna be honest. You don’t let me and say it’s better this way. Very well…

(Before service) -Don’t be late -Don’t fall -Are my clothes okay? -Should’ve put something else on? -My makeup, is it okay? -Go inside. -You have to go say hi. (While service) -Did I say hi the right way? -Was I mean? -Did I talk to much? -Should’ve said something different? -What will they think now? -Sing (which terrifies me) -Don’t sing to loud -Sing a bit louder -Are you singing correctly? -Sit straight. -It’s hot but don’t wanna take my jacket off. -What if they’ll see I have a stomach. -Why don’t you sit calm? -Why do you continue to smile or not smile? (After service) -What if people won’t say say? -What if they do? -Did I say something wrong? -Was I standing correctly? -Can they see I’m terrified? -When they call me pretty should I say it back? -Do I smile awkwardly? -Why can’t I stop this? -Another person is coming. -Why do I always agree to everything? -Did I talk to much again? -Was it too much about me? -Should’ve said something else yet. -Stop being like this… And once I get to the vehicle I’m able to breath….

This and about a 100 more fears pass through my mind in only two hours. I feel how I stand, how I move and I have fears I can’t explain or tell a person. Do others feel the same thing?

Sitting here before church starts. My husband is practicing for worship. But I stopped singing and practicing. It’s to hard.

Every Sunday I was terrified. It started Saturday evening already… but when I got to church and had to sing. I couldn’t. In a years I’ve had at least 5 panic attack’s. Everything goes blank. My body doesn’t respond. I can’t speak and eventually I’m able to run out and cry. It’s not fun.

That’s not it though. I’m very extroverted. So people think. I’m sure they think I’m one of the easier people to talk too. But what they don’t realize what goes on in my head.

Why do you have to start crying when you mess up? Why can’t you tell me you are sorry!?! Every time we talk about our trip you get upset. You try to convince me how you are right! You tell me 5 or more different stories and yet you try to convince me all of them are true!?!? How can you explain you liked me and truly were sad that you lost me? And you had feelings for someone else and tried to get over it? Or you did it because your parents didn’t let you get close to me? Or it was because you knew we wouldn’t see eachother after this anymore? I don’t get it. I wanna cry but I’m getting to tired. I don’t want you to try to explain how you are right. I want you to apologize for lying to me. For not being honest! Why can’t you tell me, I’m sorry I messed up!?!? I shouldn’t have hurt you like this. I don’t know what I was thinking. You think I don’t care how you feel?? I do! But do you know how I feel?? I feel like you can’t be honest with me. Like you have to hide yourself. Put yourself in my shoes for a moment. Think about it! Don’t blame the things you did on me.

First of all, I never thought anyone would follow me. Thank you so much. I started this, so I could start writing. And most to see myself better! So thanks for the follows! Means a lot to me!

So finally made my decision! Few days ago I posted and said I wasn’t sure what to do and if I should quit my job. It’s a job I love.

Yesterday we were invited by this couple from Texas. They are both in their 70s. We started talking about work and so forth. She then started telling me that her and her husband both had very busy lives but that one day she took the decision to help him and quit her job. It had been the best thing she’d done.

Lately I’m so stressed that I couldn’t sleep (reason for starting writing), I got sick, have no time and huge headaches. But I’m so terrified of what they’ll say, I hadn’t dared to tell them I’d quit. Each time I wanted too, they were so nice and I just couldn’t. I tried doing it but then I didn’t want to. But finally I feel this peace.

I took the decision to quit! I’ll do many other things I’ve been wanting to do. Make crafts videos, play guitar, make food, cook healthy, exercise! I’m so happy! I feel so good! Tomorrow I’ll tell the principal I’m just finishing this year. I’m nervous but peaceful about it. I know I’ll be terrified telling her or even starting the conversation. But I have to do it now, before I can’t.

Wish me luck, pray for me.